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Thursday, April 25, 2024

Laughs for Ages: Funny History Jokes

History jokes offer a bucket of laughs for people of all ages, and we’ve taken the time to collect jokes that are sure to leave you in stitches. Bad history jokes, puns and genuinely witty jokes are all here for the joke connoisseur. Whether you’re wanting to add to your dad joke arsenal or want to show off your knowledge while making a joke, these history jokes will be a hit whenever you tell them.

Funny History Jokes

Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?

Because there were so many knights.

Which English King invented fractions?

Henry the 1/4th.

What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?

How would I know? I wasn’t invited!

Why does history continue to repeat itself?

Because we never listen!

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars!

Why did Honest Abe have trouble sleeping?

Because he couldn’t lie.

What did Mason say to Dixon?

We gotta draw the line somewhere!

What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?

Floodlights.

What’s purple and 5,000 miles long?

The grape wall of China.

What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?

Toga-ether we can rule the world.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom.

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

The same middle name.

When a knight was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?

Rust in peace.

Last night on Dancing with the Stars, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.

What ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?

The Massedonians.

How do you contact the Roman Empire?

Pick up a phone and column.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights did make a plane.

How were the first English colonists like ants?

Both lived in colonies.

How did Ben Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?

Shocked.

Where did George Washington and Paul Bunyan buy their hatchets?

At the chopping mall.

How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles?

Baroque.

Funny History Puns

Who invented King Arthur’s round table?

Sir Cumference.

Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.

Which English King invented the fireplace?

Alfred the Grate.

There are many marbelous statues in Greece, but many people take them for granite.

Immanuel doesn’t pun, he Kant.

During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn’t give a dam.

History Buff Jokes

A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!” 

A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian replies, “You’ll only lose it.”

What did Richard III say when a planning proposal was submitted for building parking lot? “Over my dead body”

Teacher: Can you describe for me Napoleon’s origin? Student: ‘Course I can!

A man from the Soviet Union obtains a permit to move to the USA, and his new neighbor asks how much he likes his new apartment, so he asks him what his apartment was like back in Russia.

“Oh, my old apartment was perfect. I could not complain.”

So his neighbor then asks him what his job was like back home.

“Oh, my old job was perfect. I could not complain.”

So the neighbor asks him what the food was like back in the USSR.

“Oh, the food was perfect. I could not complain.”

Puzzled, the neighbor finally asks him, if everything was so great in the Soviet Union, why did he move?

The man says, “Here I can complain.”

We hope you’ve enjoyed these fun history jokes. Tell them at your next school function or company party for a good laugh. Which is your favorite history joke? What’s another good one you’ve heard?